My very important important political opinions

Often times serious, successful members of society such as myself are asked opinions on crucial matters. Like my hero Simon Cowell (also a friend to my fellow lover of Brown Ale, Cheryll) I'm reluctant to tell people how to vote, but I feel I have bitten my tongue too long now.

Since hearing about the brutalities of a hung parliment (this is a complicated issue, where, if a party cannot hold an overall majority, subsequent MPs are randomly chosen and hung, until one party may form a majority), I feel I have to come out in favour of a particular party to my many disciples. And that party is LABOUR!

My only slight issue with Labour are based on their attitude to women's rights, an issue crucial to my very ideology. I'm tempted to vote Conservative due to the illeberal Labour, Lib Dem hegemony's plans to make it illegal for girls to appear topless on Page 3. (http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/election2010/2952140/Labour-and-the-Liberal-Democrats-vow-to-ban-The-Suns-iconic-Page-3.html) Emmiline Pankhurst fought for years for these rights and now the government want to take them away. Disgusting!

Gordon Brown's affiliation with Newcastle Brown Ale however swung my decision to finally throw my weighty support behind the 'Reds'. So there you go fine readers, vote now and spare the bloodshed of possibly hundreds of unnecessary deaths..

Stop Press....

Mathew Armstrong has won his first race! This momentous occasion took place on Easter Sunday. Is it any coincidence that the anniversary of Jesus's resurrection happened on the very same day? Matt would be the first to deny that this was merely chances hand playing tricks.

Please direct any miracle requests to the comments section and Matt will do his best..

Poetry

Often whilst on training days and at races I find myself surrounded by uncouth, uncultured ignoramuses. I try and pass on a quick Haiku at the finish line or offer a rhyming couplet praising the crisp winter morning to a fellow runner and i get called a poof, or at best ignored.

I bet this doesn't happen to great chess masters.

Anyway, their indifference is your gain my fortunate readers, I'll try and keep you up to speed with my creative output. Below is one of my hidden gems, written after a brush with death at a 'foam' party. I took inspiration from Half Caste by John Agard, but adapted it to my inimitable local parlance.

Y'Aye, A summer's sky

Y'Aye, A swallow's cry

Why's the foam in my eye?

Why's the foam choking me to death?

Why's the foam stuck in my gullet?

Why did the Magpie's employ Ruud Gullit?

Y'aye, A Geordies cry

Heard across the disco

Y'aye, A Geordies cry

Why did no-one come to save me?

Why I rarely win races..